A part of me died

Sometimes pain is so huge it leaves us feeling numb.

Sometimes we hurt so much that we lose sight of who we are.

Sometimes loss is so huge that it feels unbearable.

Sometimes devastation hits us – and its though a part of us dies.

Life throws hurdles our way. Life sends curve balls when we least expect it. Life challenges us. Life breaks us. Life confuses us and at times it totally overwhelms us.

While there is so much positivity in the world – there is also so much pain. And while there are so many good things that can happen – there are also tragedies that hit. And they hit any of us at any given time.

 

Pain is manageable – to an extent. Loss is bearable – to an extent. Darkness is beatable – to an extent. You can live with depression – for a while.

But what happens when the magnitude of what you have experienced totally takes over? When you feel so lost that you don’t know who you are anymore?

Suddenly you find yourself anxious doing the things you once loved. You feel like you can’t breathe being around those you love. You have a sense that you can’t trust anyone – paranoia takes over.

You find yourself lashing out at people and not even knowing why. Tears come frequently. Everything hurts – and nothing seems to take the pain away. Your functioning – just. But you are not truly living.

There are moments in life when the world totally changes. Sometimes we hear something and we know things will never be the same again. Sometimes we lose someone so close to us or something so precious gets taken from us.

A defining moment happens – one that is so painful. So unbearable. And before we know it our sparkle has gone. That ‘thing’ that makes us who we are. That bit that makes us who we are. Its missing. The smiles faded. The laughter’s gone. The hope has vanished. The pain has taken over. Part of us has died. And life suddenly now feels empty, vacant, painful and we remain a shadow of who we once were.

Some people notice – others don’t. Perhaps the mask we wear is very good. Maybe it hides the scars. There are many ways of hiding. You find yourself going about your day – existing. But deep down there always feels this deep sense of emptiness. A hole that can never be filled. Direction seems to impossible to find.

What would it be like to stop looking? To stop trying to find a way though it all? To end your search for an answer or a solution. To stop trying to fix the things that can’t be fixed.

What would it be like to accept the here and now? That doesn’t mean accepting exactly what happened – but it means trying to let go of the pain attached to it. And allowing yourself to be in the moment.

Maybe the moment won’t feel as good as life once felt. Maybe today doesn’t feel as full as life felt before this happened to you. But if you keep looking back you will never be happy with today.

Of course you want things the way they once were – of course you want to be able to go back to a time when things felt good, when they felt easier, fuller, brighter, happier – you name it. But if you spend all your time and energy looking back you will never allow yourself to move forward.

There are things that happen that mean life will never be ‘exactly’ the same. They do change things to such an extent that they leave deep pain and heartache. But while we can’t fix these things, we can learn to live with what has happened and to heal. Healing is a huge part of the process – and enables us to let go. If we don’t heal, we remain stuck.

Today – right now. That’s what’s currently important. It might not be as things once were – and you might not be as you once were. However it is your reality now – and the important thing is finding peace, clarity and enjoyment in the here and now.

Yes part of you may well have died. But there are still many other parts of you that are living. And if you think about it you can learn to live with the fact that you have lost that part of yourself. And you can heal and embrace the way you are now. You may never go back to being ‘exactly’ as you once were. But that’s ok – you can be you, as you are now. And start to recognize the beauty that is in that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take some time to embrace who you are now. Take some time to work on your life as it is today and invest in learning how to enjoy the way things now are. They don’t have to be the same to be positive and full. You don’t have to be the same to be happy. And whilst part of you may have gone – the other parts of you can come together to create a new way of being. A way that Is you – a way that brings laugher again. That allows enjoyment and happiness in. That reduces anxiety, worries and stress. And all the time encourages you to be ‘you’ again. Not exactly as you once were. But exactly as you are right now.