That first moment of realisation that you are pregnant is probably the most treasured and special feeling a mother to be can have. Sometimes life happens…. And suddenly you find yourself loosing this baby either during pregnancy or having a still birth. Going home with empty arms, knowing that life will almost certainly not be the same ever again.
Losing a child is an extremely difficult experience for both parents. It can make us feel aching on the inside. At the times when we feel torn open, raw and vulnerable, we find it easy to blame others. To criticize and be angry at them for not understanding what we go through. We blame the world and ourselves for maybe not having done enough. We get angry because others are grieving too much or too little and sometimes we are angry because they do not grieve in the same ways as we do. We feel disappointed when trying to making sense of it all.
There are some things that are important to recognise during this time:
- Men and woman grieve differently. That either partner might become frustrated with the fact that they cannot resolve their partners pain and make things better.
- It takes time for the grief to settle from deep inside. That place where you feel the feelings of intense emotions of grief and despair. That there is no set time for the emotions to settle.
- It is important to recognise that both partners might be at different places with their grief. That their love, intimacy and support are essential for them finding their healing as a couple.
- During this time men might act in a very logical way that they want to fix things and find it really difficult that they are not able to “fix things”. Were as women tend to be more emotional. This in itself can affect a relationship.
- Honouring your baby’s memory is a way of honouring the mother/father in you.
- Even though it might feel like a period of intense chaos and confusion, this will eventually settle.
Some useful guidance for this very difficult time:
- Give yourself permission to mourn. Finding healing will take time.
- Talk to family and friends about how you are feeling.
- Communicate with your partner, even about your most basic needs.
- Be kind to yourself. Have patience with your grief.
- Self-care is really important as grief will not only affect you emotionally but also physically.
- Get plenty of rest.
- Maintain a good diet. While you may not feel like eating, it is important to have something to eat, even if it is a snack.
If the emotions you feel seem to be just too overwhelming and you feel you need some additional support, please contact us at Your counselling service at: info@yourcounsellingservice.co.uk or call 07590 663938. We will listen and support you during this very difficult time.